Breast Cancer Awareness Month
There are very few moments throughout the day that I don’t think about cancer. It has been especially hard on not only myself but my family. It is that thing that rears its ugly head whenever something good is going on in my life (or my family’s).
When I was 4 years old, I lost my dad to skin cancer. Then shortly after my grandpa (his dad) died of skin cancer as well. It took one mole to kill my dad. He also had numerous horrible skin burns when he was younger and was a city landscaper. You could say it was inevitable, but I don’t want to believe that. He was only 36 years old. The cancer spread to his liver and brain, causing him to go into a coma and be put on life support.He is the reason why whenever I see my friends or my boyfriend’s friends with sunburns I bitch them out. Like 2 months ago they went to a water park, and one of his friends came back and didn’t even look like he put on sunscreen.
Then it was followed by my great-grandma (Dad’s side) of breast cancer. Following that my grandma died (Dad’s mom) of stomach cancer. We say she just couldn’t go on living anymore after losing her husband, mother, and son within a five year span.
When I was 16 years old my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy. It was right before Thanksgiving of that year that she had her surgery. After the holidays she started her chemotherapy. She has been okay ever since, but it lingers.
Then when I was about to turn 21, I found that I had iris melanoma. I was diagnosed the same day that my dad passed away on 16 years earlier. A rare cancer, only occurring in 1/1,000,000 people. To put it into perspective, Iowa (state I live in) has a population of 3 million, that means excluding me, there are only 2 other people in my state with this. I had to have my eye removed 2 weeks before my 21st birthday.
Then the following year we find out that my grandma on my mom’s side was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was so far gone that the tumor had ate through her skin. She died later that year.
All of these occurrences of cancer have me so afraid of what will happen to me next.
10:54 pm • 16 October 2009
Insomnia
I have avoided going to the doctor for two years to address my sleep issues. They have progressively become worse. They started off as mild sleep problems when I first came off of my anxiety medication. Now they are unbearable. I don’t sleep … ever. I have maybe one day a week where I sleep more than 5 hours a night. I toss and turn. I can get to sleep most nights, but then I will wake up two hours later and just lay there.
Last night was the final straw. I went to bed at 12:30am, and James went out for a drive and to smoke after work. He came to bed at 3:30 and I was still laying there. He did everything he could think of to put me to sleep. He rubbed my back, stroked my hair, got me a warm washcloth for my eyes, ibuprofen … you name it. I finally went to sleep @ 5:30am. But guess what, I woke up at 8:00. So if you can do the math, I slept a whopping 2½ hours last night.
I guess I have avoided it because my mom disapproves of medication to help you sleep. Why? Because she has the same problem. She’ll lay there hours at a time awake. Same with my grandma. I have no idea if it genetic or what. I used to sleep like a rock, getting 8-10 hours of sleep a night.
So tomorrow James is taking me to the doctor. I have no idea if I need anxiety medication, anti-depressants, or a sleep aide. I have taken all the over-the-counter shit. I have done stuff to change my lifestyle. I have made my environment free of noise and light. I have a tacky blanket up on my window, and I sleep with earplugs. NOTHING WORKS. I can handle mild insomnia, but this is every single night.
4:07 pm • 16 October 2009
Stupid nightmares
I have been having horrible dreams/nightmares lately. They range from the absurd to the “you have been watching too many old school horror movies” genre. Here is a sum:
- Somebody gutting me and then skinning me. Then they put my skin over their own. Ed Gein much? I remember watching something about old school thriller/horror movies, and this was mentioned for about two seconds. Maybe that is it?
- I go back to school … as kindergartner. Mind you, I am the same age as I am now in this dream. I was all worried about whether or not I was going to fit in (as in, would they notice that I was not the same age).
- I also had a dream where I could only see in the colors red and black. Basically, I wake up to a man standing over me watching me sleep. People then walk into my room telling me that if I scream they would kill my parents/family. I remember trying to scream (in real life) and nothing coming out.
I have no idea what I am on. I have not eaten or read anything particularly weird before going to bed. I am thinking my anxiety/stress is playing tricks on me. I wake up either (a) crying (b) shaking (c) in a sweat or (d) all of the above. No idea what the hell is going on with me, and it is freaking out my boyfriend because he has no idea what to do. I literally did not fall back asleep until 6 o’clock this morning because of my Ed Gein like dream.
8:38 pm • 5 October 2009
"The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have."
— Vince Lombardi
11:45 am • 28 September 2009
"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
3:11 pm • 20 September 2009
